More Trouble Than They Are Worth?
By J "Patrick Bateman Esquire"
“Just when I opened up my heart. The one you used to love, came and ripped it right apart.”
Does this sound all too familiar? Well, that’s probably because it has happened to you. There have been times in our lives when we see that “special” girl…you know…the one who “makes your heart sink and your pulse quicken?” Yeah, well enough of that bullshit. You date the same person for a prolonged period of time, thinking nothing could ever go wrong, until the bitch goes off and does something to destroy your heart.
Alright, I have to warn you, this could get ugly, so I will try to maintain some sort of decorum while writing this piece. While, I must make the disclaimer that I am not exactly a “Ladies’ Man,” nor a prolific “dating machine.” I have several friends who are of the female persuasion, but have never been a prolific dating machine. Therefore, my trials and tribulations of the dating realm are somewhat limited and my experiences may not reflect that of all relationships. Yet from what I have learned, female evil comes in many different levels, forms, sizes, and ages.
I guess my first “dating” experience can be traced back to the 6th grade. Her name was Amanda. Ah, yes, Amanda… She was so very cute and quite a nice girl. We went on one date to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II and needless to say, it was quite the ordeal. While watching the movie, I reached over, innocently enough, just to try to hold her hand… but she pulled away. I mean, my God, what harm could come from holding hands?!?! I was a budding 12 year old with needs and this girl wouldn’t even TOUCH me… what a jerk. As you can imagine, this relationship lasted about as long as David Duke at a Black Panther rally. But alas, there was something good to come out of this. I got a kick-ass Jimi Hendrix CD and I didn’t have to buy her anything, leading me to believe that girls could be good for something…
My next experience with women, well, wait. This thing could not even be classified as a woman. I was a freshman from another city, at a brand new school, and I was greeted by this… this monster. It all started so innocently… I had the pleasure of attending the annual Marlboro, NASCAR and Wrangler Symposium (a.k.a. the Dixie Classic Fair) with Emily, a girl I knew from middle school and some of my new peers (namely, females) from my high school. After the festivities, I spent the night at her house with all of her friends. Two of these ladies caught my eye, one of whom I would come to know much better in the upcoming year and one who would almost drive me to take a vow of celibacy and live in a cave with nothing more than my pet rock Alfred to keep me company. For now, I will tend to the one who could be likened to a female version of Predator.
For the sake of this article, we will refer to this abomination as Sandra H. I must state for the record that I knew only Emily, and I was quite nervous around the rest of her female friends. Now, the lovely Sandra had quite a bit to drink and was feeling “alive” to say the least. As I sat in the corner focused on that other girl, I suddenly noticed something dancing on the pool table. Sandra had removed her shirt (gasp) and was gyrating her tree-trunks of cellulite right before my eyes. Good God. I instantly wanted to impale myself on the pool cue within my grasp. After seeing this charade of grotesqueness, I came to a conclusion that has stuck with me ever since that crisp autumn evening.
Ugly girls are very, VERY evil.
So there, these two lessons learned… both cute AND ugly girls were evil. Then it happened. The moment I thought would never arrive had come. I HAD A GIRLFRIEND. This was the girl who had caught my eye that night at Emily’s house (not the girl who looked like Sasquatch). She was, and still is, one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. I felt like I was on top of the world. Never in my life would I have thought I would be dating a girl such as her.
We dated for quite a while without any real problems. It was perfect. There were no cares in the world. We were the best of friends, yet she was still something more: my girlfriend. The first year was wonderful… but as with every relationship, things started to change. When it came time for our one-year anniversary and a few things were brought to my attention, things that would change the relationship indefinitely. I learned that she had hooked up with one of my good friends and was unsure about out relationship. Wow. Talk about a kick in the balls. Nothing beats the feeling of possibly being replaced by someone else.
So, what did I do?
Excellent question -- I handled the situation and figured that, as hurt and upset as I was, I was still very in love with her… She deserved another chance. Time started to heal the scars and things returned to the way they used to be, kind of… Then it happened, AGAIN. This time, it hurt even more, something I had never imagined possible. This time, it happened with my best friend. Here was a guy who had befriended me when I was the “new kid” at school and made me feel welcome and now -- well, he does this shit. HOW AND WHY??? How could anyone do this to another person and why did it have to happen to me, TWICE??? Not only had she betrayed my trust, but my best friend had done the same. After this happened, we dated for quite a while longer, actually, with things never returning to how they once were. We went our separate ways and still keep in touch. I still care about her a lot, but in a much different way than I did before…
When things like this happen, you start to question your significant other and yourself. When you keep getting dumped on like this, you start to ask yourself, “Am I really good enough for them? Am I really good enough for anybody?” And let me tell you: No one deserves this.
Girls think that boys are like a fad, kind of like Tickle Me Elmo: They are a lot of fun for a while, then in time, they get old and it’s time for something new, like Pogs or a Furbie.
Speaking of Pogs, many girls can be likened to the Pog phenomenon. First of all, they collect them and try to get as many as they can, the best-looking ones, and the ones that are most expensive. They show them off to their friends and brag about how they have more Pogs than the other. Then, as quickly as they bought them at the hobby shop, they stack ‘em up, smash ‘em, and trade them for better ones. Sound a little ridiculous? Yeah, I can see how it might, but when you think about it, I bet you never imagined how closely girls and a round piece of cardboard with a picture could be related (and you’re just mad that you didn’t think of it before me. HA!!)
Well, my ravings are coming to a close. You might be wondering, “Gee, that wasn’t as bitter and spiteful as I thought it would be.” I am not a spiteful person, nor do I have a bitter hatred for girls. I don’t know how I would classify this article. Maybe it is just a pretty memoir of my escapades in dating, or maybe it’s just meaningless bullshit. I feel that it is more of a disclaimer. GIRLS ARE NOT BAD PEOPLE, AND I LIKE GIRLS. I can’t stress this point enough. Yet, the stories of the perfect boyfriend or the perfect girlfriend are definitely not a universal phenomenon. All girls have some hint of evil within them. The magnitude of this evil is different for everyone. For some, the evil may be nothing more than an occasional set of bad directions or missed phone calls, yet for others, only Satan himself knows how evil the girl can and will be. Heed these words as a warning of what exists and be ready to stand up for yourself if such situations present themselves. So for now, I bid you adieu and happy dating, yet in the spirit of the website, I must end on this note:
GIRLS ARE EVIL!!
|
|
