I Am An Evil Girl
By Brandi Book
Yes girls are evil. I know this because I am one, and because I have seen
what others (with whom I am ashamed to share my gender) have done to boys I
love. First and foremost, to my little bro (Pat Book, your Canadian
Correspondent)... and shame on him for making me read about it on the
Internet.
Why am I evil? And why put my shame on display for the world to see? Perhaps
because I hope to someday redeem myself, set aside my evil ways, and fill
the big shoes my dad set out for me the day he picked my name from a
song... “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)”.
1. Pat, my wee bro, was trounced some time ago by Evil Janelle. I am sad to
say, I played a small part in his downfall. I was privy (during the course
of his relationship with E.J.) to a good deal of damaging information
through very reliable channels. Under the guise of big-sisterly morals, I
kept silent, prolonging his misery. All I can say in my defense is that I
didn’t want him to turn on me for “slandering” the object of his obsession,
and also felt perhaps it was not my business, and that he should be free to
make what he would of his life, without my meddling. Pat, I hope someday you
will forgive me, and I will be free to shed the title of “E-VIL (like the
fru-its of the dev-il) BIG SIS”
2. I have broken one heart myself. I will make no excuses, as I have none.
All I will say regarding my ex is that after 5 years, I outgrew him. It was
a matter of his happiness or my sanity, and I made the selfish choice. I
looked around and realized (to quote the best movie of all time) “This is
your life and it’s ending one minute at a time.” Thus earning my second
title: “E-VIL (like the fru-its of the dev-il) EX-FIANCE”
3. I believe they call this “saving the best (in this case, worst) for
last”. We have come to the pinnacle of my own deceptiveness….what I consider
to be the Mona Lisa of my Evil Deeds, and the reason for the tag line at the
beginning of this piece: I Am an Evil Girl…But Not In the Way You Might
Think.”
I am evil because I cannot be evil. It is my own inability to fully
surrender to the dark side that makes me the worst kind of bad news. Huh???
Allow me to explain. One of the things that caught my eye about this
(fantastic) site, was the oft repeated conviction that girls SAY they want
sweet, smart, funny guys, then go for frat-asses reeking of evil intent.
There are exceptions to this rule. They are the Invisible Girls. I am one of
them. We are your best friends, your childhood pals, your drinking buddies.
We are the ones who laugh at dirty jokes, and shoot tequila… sometimes, we
even watch hockey. We do not go to the bathroom in herds, and we are not
ashamed to be seen without makeup. We are not slaves to fashion, nor are we
trend-pimps. We bruise it up in mosh pits, stage dive, and take boots to the
head with grace. We camp without hairdryers, and bait our own hooks when
fishing. Sometimes, we spit. We are the ones you come to for answers when
the Ultimately Evil Girls break your hearts. We are your fallback on
dateless Saturday nights. We are your sidekicks. We are Betty, to their
Veronica.
Psssssssssst....wanna know a secret? We are also the ones that love you.
You heard me right. While the UEG’s are gutting you for being too kind,
humorous, and god-forbid, committed…. we are suffering hideous pangs of
unrequited love for you, which is based on all those qualities that drive
THEM screaming into the night. Why does this make us evil? Because we can
not bring ourselves to tell you. Why don’t we just come out with it, save
you the heartache, and ourselves the hours of longing? Because you don’t
want us. Don’t tell me you’ve never noticed the similarities between
yourselves and the UEG’s? They go for idiots in jock-straps, with egos the
size of Mt. Everest, and packages the size of peas… the cockier the
better. You go for gloss-wearing, deceitful, holier-than-thou store front
mannequins. I am presently in the throes of full-on, relentless, completely
unrequited love with my very best friend. He of course, passed me over for
a pretentious, so-sweet-it’s-obviouly-a-sugar-substitute, prissy,
high-horse-riding whore. She recently ripped out his heart with the
standard episode of cheating, confession, and classic “let’s be friends”
finale. There he is, feeling (as you all seem to) that girls are evil…and
he’s right. She is evil, because she hurt him. I am evil because I don’t
have the balls to make him feel better. And he is evil because he’ll never
see me the way I want him to.
So, in the big picture, who’s worse? Let me know, if you figure it out,
cause I’m thinking it’s a three-way.
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